I'm a big kid now?

I just made a hotel reservation for a friend from high school's wedding that I'm in next weekend.

Does this mean I'm a grown-up now?

Kind of scary, isn't it?

Anniversaries

I missed the official two year anniversary of this blog, which I first posted to on the 17th of July 2004. We'll just go for the month. Yay. mmm...gooey is two!

This past week was also my one year anniversary of working at the café. Woohoo!

Kitchen personality

Is anyone surprised by this? It somehow seems spot on...

The Whats In Your Kitchen Personality Test

You are a scoop of coffee with a crayon it in. You're naturally perky, and you tend to get distracted. You're entertained by simple things. You can't focus. You're rather carefree. You're annoying to some, and loved to death by others. You're a socialite. What can we say?
Take this quiz!








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The Talking Cure

After a fairly uncomfortable month, following the attempt at going to the movies and a series of long emails back and forth, the ex and I finally sat down yesterday to try to clear the air of some of the issues that are still preventing us from moving forward with being friends. They were mostly issues on my part although he did open up somewhat as well which was nice. It was quite a long talk and although nothing really ground breaking was said, it did help to clear the air. I felt really good after he left last night after our almost 3 hours of talking. I'm feeling a bit more ambivalent this morning, but I think--I hope--that this finally is going to let me move forward. I don't think I'm still quite ready to start seeing him all the time, hanging out completely as friends, but I do feel better about things this morning than I have for the past month or so.

It's a process, like everything else.

Official Status

I created a user name on Coffee Geek this morning so I can post to the forums.

Anyone want to donate the $45 so I can join the Barista Guild of America?

Yep. I'm a total dork.

I know it and embrace it and love it.

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'll likely be here for another good bit--at least into spring. I had a good day of it yesterday. Today I'm feeling a bit ambivalent.

And I'm considering reading Saint Augustine's Confessions.

Not only am I total coffee dork I continue to be in a very odd place emotionally/spiritually.

Fire Inside - Bob Seger

Then you walk to the window and stare at the moon
Riding high and lonesome through a starlit sky
And it comes to you how it all slips away
Youth and beauty are gone one day
No matter what you dream or feel or say
It ends in dust and disarray

Like wind on the plains, sand through the glass
Waves rolling in with the tide
Dreams die hard and we watch them erode
But we cannot be denied
The fire inside

WTF?

My horoscope today told me to make it okay to worry about myself.

Thanks, Jacqueline Bigar. I'm glad I now have your approval for something I've been doing on a daily basis for as long as I can remember.

Things here are okay. Trying to sort through emotional stuff, mostly with the ex but some with the City and State as well. I was about ready to get the point of just starting to hate the ex. Then he had to go and be himself and be all caring and helpful--at least, potentially helpful.

Not that I could ever really hate him. But I thought maybe he was ignoring me in order to avoid dealing with emotional stuff. Turns out he wasn't.

Now I have to sort through shit and figure out my own stuff.

Ouf.

Who knew?

I've been meaning to post this for a couple of weeks now and just finally remembered. I took this picture at TJ Maxx a couple of weekends ago. They have EVERYTHING there!

Another coffee dream

This one involving a terrible, terrible espresso. Chock full of grinds. Entirely the wrong colour. But served somewhere that serves OUR coffee (my company has a decently large wholesale distribution).

I argued with the guy who made it for me--I won't even call him a barista--and in the end just walked out without having paid for it.

The dream also involved an ex (not the most recent, but one from Montréal) and bread shaped like a rabbit's face.

This was during my 12 hours of sleep last night. I was a very tired boy.

For good reason.

My Sunday went something like this: get up at quarter to six to be at work by 6.30 to open so I could leave at 1.30 and make it down to a pub in time to watch the World Cup final at 2. Got there about 2.30 and started drinking. Didn't stop drinking until about 11 or so. After a bit of a pub crawl. Went home and watched a movie and went to bed about 1.30 to get up at 7 yesterday and work from about 8.30-6.

Then I came home and lay down for a nap. And woke up 12 hours later.

Sunday was a sort of last hurrah as I am now officially on my Escape from Maine budget. If I stick to it, I'll be able to save enough in about six months to move.

Fingers crossed.

Accomplishment of the Day

Canadian Taxes.

It only took me 3 or so hours.

For a while, I thought I was somehow getting over two grand back from the Québec government. Which would have been interesting, given that I only had just under $90 deducted from my paycheques in the five months I worked in Québec last year.

Now I'm taking a mental break and am going to try to work out a budget to see how much, realistically, I can attempt to save each month, with the goal of having enough saved within six or so months to move away from here. Last time I did this, I wasn't able to find many pennies to put into the jar. We'll see if I can make things work out differently this time.

Oh, and I'm still being a freak about the ex. Willing myself just to let go and accept the situation. Something I thought I'd done. I'm not completely in a deep, deep funk like I was when we first broke up but I guess I'm still not as over him as I thought I might be.

'I'm Glad You Came Over' by Robert Blake

I'm glad you came over even though I know you won't stay for the night
I'll make some tea and put on a record I think you'll like
Maybe it'll be nice and easy just to talk for a while
Maybe I won't get upset and maybe you'll smile
Oh and it's been such a long time since you smiled
The last time I remember was when we were in love
Back before you fell out of it and started doing anything but
Oh I'm glad you came over even though I was cold on the phone
You sounded so distant, lately I've been feeling so alone
Maybe it'll be nice and easy just to talk for a while
Maybe it'll be nice to see the lips that used to smile
And it's been such a long time since I've seen you
And so much longer since we've had any fun at all
I'm glad you came over, I'd be glad if you wanted back in
But that's just my imagination, look at the shape it's put me in
But maybe I can see you without wanting to hold you
Maybe I can see you without having to tell you how much I love you
Oh and I know I shouldn't be holding out for a smile
It just wouldn't be the same this time
No it wouldn't be the same unless you wanted to connect it with mine
Oh I'm glad you came over, maybe we'll do it again
I guess that's what you do when you're friends
Talk about your day and what you've been up to
Offer some advice then go make love to someone new
Oh but maybe it'd just be nice to talk with someone who knows me so well
And maybe my sweetness for you that's been driving me crazy will just be glad that you made the time to come over and see me.

Also, for the record, when you have mixed feelings about going to see a movie with an ex, make sure you have a clear escape route. Don't get trapped at the end of the row next to the wall.

Just saying. In case that should ever come up.

Free Will Astrology

CANCER (June 21 - July 22):This will be an excellent time—maybe one of the best weeks ever—to try herding cats, coaxing hermits to do karaoke, and getting anorexics to eat veggie burgers with all the fixings. In other words, Cancerian, the once inconceivable may become likely. The adventures you swore you would never have the courage to attempt are suddenly within your capacity. You can at least partially dissolve the one fear you've always believed would hobble you forever.

Why am I sceptical?

Small world. Too small.

I found out today that one of my regulars grew up one town over from the town I grew up in.

And his aunt was my high school geometry teacher.

I need to get out of New England.

In which our Hero must decide which path to take for the next eighteen months.

As promised, I've found the time to sit down this morning and work on another post about the thought processes that have been percolating in my mind recently.

The past couple of months at work have been, well, stressful, to say the least. We have two shops in town, one of which is going through a huge staffing turn-over. I started doing a couple of shifts a week there to help out with the transition and it was quite a challenge. A new environment for me (although, obviously, a familiar one), with new people, new customers and, to a certain extent, different expectations. One thing that's been nice is that they tend to sell more bulk coffee than my store does and it's given me a chance to talk more in depth with customers about our different coffees and to recommend different things and then—and this is one of the fun things—to have those customers then come in and say that they loved the Ethiopia Yirgacheffe. Or hated it. Or were unimpressed by the smoky almost tobacco quality of the Sumatra Mandheling that I love.

So, it's been a challenge to be often the only fairly experienced person on during a shift and often the only espresso-trained person on during at least part of a shift. But, it's made me focus a lot more too on what I was doing. What needs to get done. What makes things work. What doesn't. Etc. I've often applied this to relationships or other bad emotional experiences, but it makes sense to apply it here too: if you can learn something from it, it was worth it.

And I've been learning a lot.

As I may have mentioned, I've also started espresso-training the new hires as they get comfortable with everything else and are ready to throw the espresso machine into the mix. We use fully manual machines that are a lot of fun to work with once you get the hang of it. It doesn't really change the learning curve all that much, but it's one more thing to take into account in what is already a very high mountain to climb. Training tends to be an all-day thing, usually around five hours or so. And again, it's been as much a learning experience for me as it has been for the people I've been training.

It's one thing for me to go into work every day and pull shots that I'm satisfied with (and those of you who know me know that I set ridiculously high standards for myself oftentimes, especially when it's something I have a demonstrated passion about). It's quite another thing to trap someone in a little training room with me who's never pulled a shot of espresso in her life and have me try to communicate all of the different nuances of using the machine and grinding and tamping and evaluating the quality of the shots. Initially, it was quite difficult for me to look at the results that my students were getting and to try to figure out what they were doing wrong. My shots were excellent. Why shouldn't theirs be?

And so I've been doing a lot of self-educating about espresso technique and other things to help me troubleshoot what my students aren't doing quite right. I've probably learned more about the specifics of espresso preparation in the past two months than I have in the past six years since I was first shown how to use an espresso machine when I worked at the Barnes and Noble Café at the end of high school.

Of course, me being me, the more I learn, the more I want to know; the more I realise that I don't know; the more deeply my knowledge goes while at the same time I want to keep pushing out its breadth. Luckily, I'm working for a company that would very much like to encourage this curiosity and this passion that I'm developing by making available a small library of books and videos and dvds and trade magazines. I've made only a small dent so far, but I'm working on it. And, needless to say, the internet has been a fantastic resource as well. Message boards, blogs, websites, podcasts, Flickr, YouTube, etc.

Has anyone guessed where this is going yet?

I've always had a strong interest in good coffee and over the past year have gained a lot of knowledge in the area and have, for the most part, very much enjoyed my job. When I haven't, it hasn't been because of the job itself so much as the people I was working with. It can be very frustrating to work with people who simply don't care about what they are producing. They may not have the same level of passion, but if they don't even care about the quality of what they're serving to the customer, then there's a problem. It's been those situations that frustrate me the most. Put me behind that bar, though, and let me loose and I don't care if I've got a line to the door for an hour. I'm in espresso zen.

And so the dilemma.

Do I nurture this passion? The simple and somewhat obvious answer is yes. Why not go with this for now? I have no inclination to head back to school right now and, even if I did, I don't know that I'd want to go back for history. Law, perhaps, maybe, possibly, but, clearly, that's not a very firm answer. An academic career appeals to me less and less right now. Maybe later. The good thing is that I don't feel pressured in any way to jump back into education or to find a 'real' job. As I said to my step-mother when I was talking to her about all this the other night, the job I have right now is as real as any other. She agreed with me. One of the many reasons I love her.

So, the answer to the first question is the easiest. Go with this for now. Who knows where it might take me. Coffee is a huge and ever-growing and ever-changing field.

The subsequent questions become more difficult.

If I want to nurture this passion, I'd be a fool to leave the job that I'm in right now. It's a position that I stand to gain a lot more knowledge from. It's secure and I'm very proud to work with the people I work with and to be a part of this company.

On the other hand, Portland is continuing to suck my soul from me. I need to move on to a larger city. Recently, I've started to learn to appreciate the fact that I can go just about anywhere and run into people I know and have a good time. But that's a problem when I just want to go out somewhere and be alone and anonymous. I've been getting somewhat comfortable but at the same time quite anxious.

If I want to be serious about coffee, the East Coast isn't really the place to do it. True, there are some great places—my shop being one of them, I'd like to think—but the Northwest is still the undisputed coffee capital of North America. And without getting too complicated and thinking about trying to return to Canada on a work visa or a permanent residency (maybe later...), that brings my choices down to two cities: Seattle and the other Portland.

This is what I was talking about when I said I was thinking some crazy thoughts, crazy for me anyway. Actually, I think the word that I used was 'radical' but same difference.

Of course, I'm not one to pick up and move across the continent just like that. It was a big enough leap for me to pick up and move here a year ago without a job secured and a bare minimum of money in the bank. As it is, I've got $50 in my bank account right now. And it's $1400 to rent a uHaul from Portland to Portland. (Yes, of course I've looked.)

So, although I'm not the kind of person simply to pick up and move, it's something that's at the back of my mind. From what I know of the two cities, I think I'd prefer Portland over Seattle. The funny thing is, the more people I've talked to about this idea, the more random connections I seem to have via other people: a friend's sister recently moved there; a friend's ex lives there and is looking for a roommate; a former regular at my bar moved there six months ago and bought a house with an in-law apartment over the garage....

I'm at a point in my life where, even though I'm very much about having things planned out well in advance, there's still a part of me that says, Why not just do it? Break out of this whole New England thing and just go for it. Who knows where it's going to take you? You moved to Montréal knowing no one and had the best five years of your life. Oregon is nothing like Québec and Portland is probably nothing like Montréal but that's not really the point, is it?

Things are necessarily in limbo right now as my bosses are away for a month. They can, and I know they will, offer great advice on this current dilemma. I need to talk to them about my job and the various and sundry hats that I'm currently wearing (did I mention that I've been doing one day a week doing office work, too?) and figure out a way in which I can fairly learn all that I can from them with the full knowledge that I'm doing it in order to secure a better future for myself somewhere other than here. In other words, I don't want to use them for their knowledge and leave. They already know that I'm unhappy in the city but quite happy in my job so it won't exactly come as a surprise.

In the meantime, over the next month, I need to sit down and take a serious look at my finances, draw up a budget and stick to it. Strictly. I've not been saving any money recently which really freaks me out. I don't make a ton but I make enough that I should be able to save a decent bit of money each month. Even if, in this hypothetical future, I have to rent the uHaul on credit, I should be able to save enough over the next six months to a year in order to be able to live on for a bit before finding a job out west. If that's where I end up.

Like I wrote yesterday, I'm starting to make plans and goals. But not rigid ones that I'm going to stick to should things change.

You never know what life is going to throw at you.

My life, especially, rather enjoys throwing curve balls that smack me upside the head. It ends up getting me to first base once I wake up from blacking out but that's kind of not the point.

I may have to kill my neighbours

For the second time this morning, someone's alarm clock is going off. Thanks to it being summertime and everyone's windows open, I—and the rest of the neighbourhood—have been treated to the delightful sound. It being a holiday weekend, the owners of these two alarms are likely off somewhere exotic. Like Calais. (I'm thinking Maine. Look it up. I'm being facetious.)

It's not such a big deal, as I need to be in to work in about an hour anyway and my alarm had already gone off. Except that I have my alarm set to the radio (NPR, of course). I'd much rather hear NPR blaring through the neighbourhood than that annoying buzzing.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, as I alluded to in an earlier post. That thought process should be the subject of another post, though, when I have the chance to sit down and write it. Maybe tomorrow morning when I don't need to head off to work essentially a double. Woohoo. Or something. I volunteered for it, so I shouldn't complain. And it won't be too bad anyway. Office work this morning and then closing one of the shops tonight. And I suspect it'll be quiet because most people will be away at the beaches. That's probably where I'd be if I didn't have to work and had a car.

Oh, and though I rarely use the bus system here because it sucks in so many ways, have I ever mentioned how much I hate it? Just one example of its suckage is the fact that there are no buses tomorrow on the Fourth of July. None. Because obviously people don't need to get around tomorrow. Ridership is so low as it is. The routes are iffy at best. The schedules suck...a lot. It's not right that I can walk to work--a 20ish minute walk--along one of the main streets in town (it's essentially the equivalent of Sherbrooke or Ste-Catherine in Montreal. Of course, this isn't Montreal, so it's nothing like either of those streets, but it's that major of an artery for Portland) at the peak of the morning rush hour and not have a single bus pass me by in either direction.

But I digress.

Time to get ready for work.

As a tease for the upcoming post about my recent thoughts, this is what I bought myself for my birthday. The new Moleskine 18-month planner.

It's significant that it's 18 months. I'm setting goals for myself. 18-month type goals. They won't be rigid, mind you, but I need to start really constructively working to get out of this city and move on to somewhere else. And I've been entertaining fun and somewhat (for me, anyway) radical thoughts about what to do and where to go.

Okay. It's 9 now. really must go. Hope that keeps you intrigued until the morrow.

Happy Monday all!